


what if i were the night sky

by belugas



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars: Before the Awakening - Greg Rucka
Genre: Before the Awakening, I don't know what else to tell you, Insomnia, M/M, PTSD, Poe Needs A Hug, this is just emotional pain, x-wings and sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 18:14:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6294664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belugas/pseuds/belugas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Muran, eject!”</p><p>Poe jolts upright, breathing hard and drenched in sweat. He heard Karé’s yell echoing in his head, saw Muran maneuver and already knew he’d be a split-second too slow, felt the aftershock from Muran’s x-wing as it was ripped apart and the numbness that followed. It doesn’t matter that it’s been a month, or that Poe had been asleep in his bunk on base--every time he closes his eyes, he’s there again. His mind replays every detail in horrifying clarity. Poe knows he’ll never forget what it felt like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what if i were the night sky

_“Muran, eject!”_

Poe jolts upright, breathing hard and drenched in sweat. He heard Karé’s yell echoing in his head, saw Muran maneuver and already knew he’d be a split-second too slow, felt the aftershock from Muran’s x-wing as it was ripped apart and the numbness that followed. It doesn’t matter that it’s been a month, or that Poe had been asleep in his bunk on base--every time he closes his eyes, he’s _there_ again. His mind replays every detail in horrifying clarity. Poe knows he’ll never forget what it felt like.

It should have been a routine patrol, like all the others. They should have been fine. Rapier Squadron knew how to fly, they knew how to handle that skirmish, unexpectd as it was. They should have been fine. Karé and Iolo and Poe had made it back in one piece, and none of Muran had. They should have _all_ been fine. Muran was gone.

Poe leans forward and places his head in his hands. He lets out shaky breaths, his heart still pounding. He tries to center himself--listens the soft beeps of BB-8 charging in the corner, feels his sheets tangled around him, hears the hissing of the coolant pipes running through the walls. Poe’s heartbeat gradually slows. The relief of remembering that he’s safe on the ground is hollow at best; it doesn’t change the fact that Muran never will be.

Poe sighs, still somewhat shakily. He needs to get out of his room. He pulls on a pair of worn cotton pants and the first shirt he finds, wraps his favorite jacket around his shoulders before heading to the mess hall.

BB-8 stirs as he opens the door, beeps questioningly. “It’s all right, buddy,” Poe says. “Just going for a walk. I’ll be back soon.” The droid beeps its acceptance of the explanation and drops back into hibernation mode as Poe slides the door closed.

 

\- - -

 

_“How come Muran doesn’t give me shit when we’re in the air like the rest of you?” he blurts one night, when he’s had enough drinks to broach the subject._

_“Um, probably because he’s super into you.”_

_“No way, Karé, it’s not like that--“_

_“Dameron, he absolutely wants to tap that. Stop being an idiot and do something about it already.”_

 

\- - -

 

Poe makes a mug of instant caf on the dimly-lit mess hall countertop and takes it out onto the balcony. It overlooks the runway, where the x-wings and other spacecraft are neatly lined up and gleaming softly in the light from one of D’Qar’s twin moons. Poe leans over the railing and takes a shaky sip of caf. The night is cool, but the warmth in the breeze reminds him a little of being home on Yavin IV.

He remembers everything (not forgetting is all he can give Muran, now, and even though sometimes it hurts too much to breathe he couldn’t bear to choose otherwise). The first time he’d worked up the courage to slip his hand into Muran’s, how the look of shock that crossed Muran’s face had quickly turned into happiness. The time Muran had asked him to dinner, and they’d spent half the night in the mess just talking--how Poe had realized how much he liked hearing Muran’s voice. What should have been their first kiss but instead became their only, too hurried; last-minute in the hallway to the tarmac before they’d left, flight suits in the way, broken off so they wouldn’t be late. At the time, Poe had worried that he’d been too forward and shouldn’t have pushed it--now he thanks the stars he did.

They’d even talked about the future, a little. Talked about how nice it would be when the fighting was all over. Muran had never been to Yavin IV. Poe wanted more than anything to show him the ranch his parents had built, to share the place he loved most in the galaxy with a person he just might love, too. They could have--they _would_ have--been so happy.

It doesn’t really matter now.

 

\- - -

 

Poe’s romantic history is far less spectacular than one would imagine, especially given the rumors around the base (mostly started by Karé). He’d had a few partners in his time at the Academy as well as the occasional fling, but “casual” just wasn’t his thing. Although he kept it a secret, Poe Dameron was a hopeless romantic through and through; he’d always hoped that someday he’d find someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He had let himself think, for a moment, that he might have found him.

He knows, now, that he was wrong.

In the middle of a war, no one gets a happy ending. There’s too much else at stake to be worried about personal happiness. Poe had been naïve enough to let himself think he could hold onto anyone, to think that he could have anything good without it being taken from him.

_The galaxy doesn’t owe you shit, Dameron._

He blinks away the wetness in his eyes.

Poe takes the things he wants more than anything--falling in love, having a family, going _home_ \--and folds them up inside himself. Tucks them away in the corner of his heart where he keeps everything he’s lost, next to Muran and his mother and the other countless things the war has taken from him. He hides them away, keeping them safe where no one can reach them.

He knows he’ll lose more, before it’s over.

He also knows that he can’t stop fighting. No matter how much it hurts, no matter what gets taken away from him--the losses mean nothing if he doesn’t keep fighting for what he knows is right. Losing _Muran_ means nothing if he doesn’t keep going. There will always be his General and his pilots at his side. There will always be the shadow of the First Order to remind him why surrender isn’t an option. The things he’s locked away in his heart will always be there, too, waiting for peace. As long as there’s light in the galaxy, they’ll have a chance of coming true.

And as much as it hurts to think it, Muran would want him to keep fighting, too.

Poe downs the last of his caf and sighs, taking one last look at the stars before turning and heading back inside.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I hate myself and have too many feelings about Poe and his pilot buddy we literally know nothing about. It's great, I'm fine.
> 
> This is meant to take place somewhere between Before the Awakening and TFA, but I took some liberties with the timeline because there seem to be discrepancies anyway (as in: Poe is maybe not actually ever on D'Qar before the movie? That sounds fake to me but OK). Just go along with me here. Also: I could not find any information on how many moons D'Qar /actually/ has, so it has two because I felt like it. 
> 
> Title is taken from the song Sifters by Andrew Bird.
> 
>  
> 
> -
> 
>  
> 
> you can find me suffering 24/7 at bebeocho.tumblr.com


End file.
